I never thought in my wildest dreams that I’d be afraid of falling asleep until I woke up in an ambulance truck. That’s when the nightmare began.

Before waking up, all that I could remember was the night that I had a hard time falling asleep, nothing uncommon, twisting, turning, with the feeling of frustration; another day will come, and I’ll soon fall asleep. As I woke, everything was eerie and dreamy; all that I saw was black, hearing people mutter in the background… I felt nothing. I didn’t even know who I was at that moment. The dream was slowly getting more and more existent as time went by. The side of my tongue was sore, and I felt a bruise on my lower lip with bite marks.

I was told that I had a seizure…I couldn’t register because I was exhausted… as if I went through a week of insomnia. Next, I had a CT scan, spoke with a doctor, and went home.

According to my doctor, I was told that it was common to have one seizure…no brain tumor at sight, so that was reassuring. The one seizure is for free.

I was more aware when I had my second seizure…prior to that I woke up that morning, fell asleep, then I woke up in the stretcher heading into the vehicle…once again, off to the hospital…once again .

Getting diagnosed with epilepsy at 30, gave me so many doubts; I asked all the questions that needed to be asked, did the research…the seizures that I was getting were nocturnal, which happens in your sleep. I found out that there were 40 different types: mine were called Tonic clonic, which is the most popular type. So many tests were done. When I got the prescription after my second seizure, I didn’t take it.

The third time wiped me out cold; this one lasted longer to the point of it being life-threatening. Seeing the trauma written all over my mom’s face as she witnessed this one made me not only frightened, I needed to take the medication.

Most deaths by seizures occur while sleeping.

When I talk about the real life nightmare, I’m not just talking about the seizure itself but the anxiety that it’s given me, robbed the independence that I had before; it’s enough to fall into a black hole. My memory is nonexistent. Not being in control of my own body is disheartening, but I can still live a full life. Looking back… the signs were there, there were seizures that occurred in the past, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, thinking that I was daydreaming, but it felt like a strange pause for a split second, then coming back to life, that’s what’s called absence seizures.

No matter how early the alarm wakes me up, it’s a sign that I’m here. Another day to see the sun: another day to change the trajectory of my condition.